My hatred against being alone doing nothing but counting every molecule in the air is unfathomable as I start mulling over the endless chains of unfulfilled achievements in my life. There is nothing more depressing than staring out the window while realizing that for the past twenty something odd years of your life, you have been living like a dysfunctional person who deserves to be shunted by society for being useless. Yes, it is indeed quite dispiriting every time I think about my life with nil achievements, weddings and babies included, considering that I still have thousands of steps to climb, hundreds of mountains to clamber and long rivers to cross before I can proudly screech at the top of my lungs “Yes! I am a Registered Nurse and I am not useless!” The thought of going back to school for another three plus years is beyond abysmal when you are approaching the age of half a fifty. On a side note, I have a plan of ascending the ladder of healthcare and that is to become a Registered Nurse in the near future. I hope nothing is going to jinx my lifelong platform or I will end up releasing my inner bitchiness and start cursing every single human being I will come across with.
Back to what I was ranting about, my undeniable dissatisfaction and frustration about my “zero achievement life” has been mounting like crazy for the past few months because of the virtual things I see on the newsfeed of facebook. In all honesty, it is indeed beyond ridiculous that the things I see and read on this social site sometimes impact how I start my day whether I like or not. I morph into this raging, pessimistic, jealous and monstrous human being every time I see these never-ending pictures of wedding pre-nups, ceremonies, invitations and cute, cuddly babies. Not to mention younger kids who used to cry like banshees before but now are grownups acting cool while changing their statuses as “in a relationship,” “engaged” and worst case scenario “married” like they are taunting the hell out of me.
Ok, I get it; people are happy, are getting engaged and are living the life of a married couple with babies on the way. Meanwhile on the other side of the world, I am paving my way through this world with arduous effort while thinking of ways on how to mow the hindrances and ordeals attach to a student life in the future. Furthermore, it is no help that older people around me are not being supportive of my predicament. Instead, they have this fancy thought of trying to be sympathetic while uttering the phrase “it’s ok, you’re still young!” Not to be disrespectful to my elders but in the back of my mind, I am howling like a rabid dog with a strong, evil urge of slapping them left and right just to keep their mouth shut about me being apparently “young.”Albeit that little deceiving knowledge of people believing you are not as old as you believe yourself to be is a little bit pacifying in a way.
Yes, maybe I am young (cough* cough*). I am twenty something years old living the life of a single, unattached woman after all. There is nothing more fulfilling than having that independence of partying like crazy until three in the morning or drinking without having to worry about a baby at home or your partner checking up on you every five minutes while bombarding you with every single question that he/she could think of. But hey, you can’t blame me for feeling like crap. I am a woman designed to procreate with every sinew of my anatomy after all (LOL). These triggers I call them, engagements, proposals, wedding invitations, pre-nuptial pictures and new-born baby photos, are making my ovaries jump in hysteria while bellowing the words “how about me?” They indeed make you feel like your life is a ticking time bomb.Scurrying to get to your destination to accomplish all your goals in life is a necessity, or you will end up reaching the world of “menopause” before you even know it.
In a nut shell, cheers to all those people getting engaged, getting married and having babies. If you get the chance to read this, remember that this is the other side of me being jealous of what you have accomplished in life. As much as I delude myself from believing that I am more than ready to get hitch or to give birth to a little minnie me, I know deep inside of me that I still lack the courage to drive in the lane of marriage and family.