A couple of friends were immersed in this “being single” conversation yesterday which made me recognize how diametrically opposite their ideas to mine about wanting to have that special someone in your life. Both of them have the same conception of missing the companionship and intimacy with that someone while I was uttering the most ridiculous reason why there are moments I demand FATE my need of having a guy in my life. That is regrettably to have a driver who can drop me off or pick me up at work so I don’t have to wait for the bus in the middle of the night alone. Friend A stated my reason was “selfish” while friend B nodded her head flaunting her agreement. I should’ve known better than to blurt my reason of wanting to have that someone in my life when my input wasn’t even needed in the first place. Needless to say, I can’t really blame myself with my own reason as I like to believe I have been single most of my life. Hence, pardon my lack of dating finesse along with my juvenile reason as to why I want someone who can drive me around.
This little conversation I had with these two single people, (who should date by the way) nudge my brain cells to evaluate and critic my ideas about relationships and the opposite sex. Intimacy, companionship and having someone to hold hands with while strolling under the cherry blossom trees were among the reasons I heard from them while I was eavesdropping from the back of the car. And as I sit here contemplating about what they said, I begin to understand and accept the naked truth of myself being clueless about the things mentioned above, what variables they are composed of as well as what courses of actions they partake in a relationship.
According to my friends, I’m rough, unromantic, inexperience, sadistic and apathetic when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Their sentiments about how I deal with men didn’t bother me that much, for I considered their assessments about myself inept and inaccurate. I always have this notion of being “the expert” in terms of giving pieces of advice about dating and relationships to the people around me. And of course, it’s no help that people take my advice and counseling like their lives depend on them, thus giving me this false confidence of knowing every single, minute detail about dating. In reality however, I misjudged myself, and I admit defeat; they won.
As much as I like to believe I am knowledgeable enough about relationships and covalent bonds among humans, it is the opposite after all. I am not an expert, and that is plain and simple. These two people made me realize this when my own reason of wanting to have that someone in my life was shoved in the trunk of my friend’s car because it bellowed infantilism. Both of them have broader understanding and intellectual thoughts about the words intimacy and companionship whereas these words define vagueness and are clear as mud to me. While my reason to date is to have my own driver, they search for kinship and connection with that special someone which I’m still trying to fathom why at this very moment. In a nutshell, it remains unknown whether my lack of knowledge about dating and relationship is a curse, but I like to think it as a blessing for now as I’m still not ready to quantify and understand the deeper meaning of intimacy and companionship. Don’t bother asking why, I just feel like doing it for some reason I can neither pinpoint nor explain myself.