My thoughts, her thoughts, two stories enmeshed together and became one. A piece inspired by a person I met yesterday after listening to her long story.
What’s interesting about life is it’s never too late to learn new things about yourself or the people you meet every day. Life is indeed erratic and unpredictable.
Peering at you across the table like a perfect specimen while trying not to be so obvious about the fact that my pseudo listening skill was bustling again was the least I could do to camouflage my disinterest in what you were blabbering about. You were very animated and fixed with what you were saying, thus you were oblivious of my dinky, egoistic performance the whole time. My thoughts were soaring elsewhere. My mind preoccupied with something I didn’t dare to tell you. My brain was diligently sorting out the memories deeply buried in my mind, busily tracking one single piece of memory among the many of where I had seen those expressive eyes before.
Then it hit me like an acid that burns, those deep brown eyes and bristly eyebrows were exactly the same as that nameless person like you guys were born with the same genetic code of that particular trait. At that instant, one single staggering thought jolted my already muddled consciousness. You were the unidentified twin brother who sprang back from hell with vengeance to taunt the heck out of me for no reason. For the second time around, fate decided to toy with me again like I was designed to be this way for the rest of my life.
The way you blink while trying not to frown was so similar that overwhelming panic started to takeover. I sat there fidgeting in my chair, trying to grapple that little calmness remaining in me at the same time deluding myself of you being the polar opposite of him in every possible way. Yet, your eyes were posing the evidence otherwise. Your all-consuming stare and your own way of manipulating those long lashes while nonchalantly blinking started evoking mind-blowing memories, recollections deserving to be buried and forgotten.
You were supposed to be the perfect guy who was unique in all aspects, a solely version of yourself, the one who would contradict and alter those memories, the one who would put back the broken pieces, the one who would eradicate the madness, the one who would be selfless enough to understand that a person who is a wreck and twisted in so many ways exists in this world. However, as I continued to bask in the beauty of those eyes, the unfeasible reality started downing on me. You were designed to be a relic of my inanity and that the “You and Me” was beyond impossible, that using you to cloak the scar deeply embedded in my soul was impassable, that looking at your eyes was a constant reminder of my senselessness, that being with you if granted by fate was unjust and unforgivable.
To say the least, those beautiful eyes you have is the reason I might end up despising you. And being a great guy that you are, the last thing I want to impose on you is my hatred, a colossal fault only designed for me to bear, to atone, and to suffer. The reality that I won’t be able to claim you more than a friend, to share things with you, to drag you anywhere I want, to force you to go for a walk with me, to pester you to watch chick flick movies with me, and to drive me anywhere I want to go is such a regretful loss albeit a selfless sacrifice on my part.
Letting you go because fate did a lousy job of tangling us not to go beyond friends is the least I can do to save myself from perpetrating a deplorable, selfish crime to an innocent bystander. You don’t deserve me as much as I don’t deserve you. Needless to say, when the time comes that healing my pathetic self is no longer a priority, I hope you will still be there, a person whom I can trust with my life to gather the broken pieces of myself. In this way, I can be whole again like I used to.