A piece written when I was suffering from those moments of “moving halfway around the world” three years ago. Man was I depressed or what?LOL
January 17, 2010
While she sits in a dark space trying to gather her thoughts, she begins to reckon why living seems never easy, why waking up each day is getting more arduous, why forgetting those memories and regrets that she has been trying to bury inside that ugly casket has now become a grueling marathon. Her life is completely disheveled and distorted for the past two years she has been making her way to survive this monstrous world. She has been struggling so hard to keep up with the pace of life, but her great effort and energy have been selfishly ignored and shunted. The myriad stresses and strains she is going through are taking their tolls and destroying her inch by inch. Like an overused rubber band, she is more than ready to snap and cave in. She’s terrified that one of these days her greatest fear will slowly creep into her bloodstream and wholly consume whatever sanity left within her.
She used to enjoy and crave life. That simple life with no worries overpowering her mind was feasible and that life with nil pressure from the people around her was at her fingertips. Life was easy, clear as a white sheet and very manageable. Anticipation and excitement embodied her soul until that one day when things started spiraling downhill for no reason. Things indiscriminately started changing. She has become a pathetic puppet of life who is no longer capable of holding her judgement and sanity together. At present, she is a petrified girl on standby watching herself shutter into pieces like a fine glass slowly losing its luster, irreparable and wrecked by the cruelty of the unknown.
She has stopped looking forward to a new day that waking up is now a forceful habit of breathing. The fear of the unknown she can’t pinpoint is constantly hunting her with elation. Her flimsy mind is now bombarded with trivial, abominable thoughts that she’s completely lost and clueless about how to escape their endless ruthlessness. This wickedness of the unknown has grappled her until she’s gasping for air, and desperately yanking her from this pandemonium is the ultimate escape before she shrivels and expires. Helplessness, insecurities and vulnerability are dancing around her with glee, taunting her, consuming her until escaping into oblivion forever has become a choice. Her courage and resilience which had been eminent once have vanished and are now replaced with the thing she hates the most, self-doubt. It’s alarming how her inner turmoil is devouring her confidence and self-esteem little by little to the point of her own lucidity carelessly disappearing. She is forsaken and hopelessly suffering alone.
The vibrant and confident girl two years ago has to be reborn again. To find herself immediately and get through all these destructive thoughts scarring and destroying her soul before it is too late is something that must be attained. What’s left within herself should be redeemed and the new her which is torn and ripped into pieces should be salvaged and put back together. One of these days, she is going to stop sulking and start nursing her wounded soul. She will scream at the top of her lungs “enough is enough!” and her once broken spirit will ascend and demand revenge over those emotions and fears that have mounted like crazy. She will be reborn. A new her, a new confident and dauntless her will take over again.