The Sham Vow

sharing blanketThere is something about listening to wedding vows which makes my toes curl and my mind hysterically screech. After listening to a grueling episode of wedding vows recently, I got inspired to write my version of an unconventional vow for my unlucky, future better half. My own version which doesn’t bleed with the words love, fate, date, eternity, bottom of my heart and the list of cringe-inducing words goes on. That being said, I apologize to my friend for wanting to cover my ears while he was delivering his vows to his wife. His words, regrettably, were literally torturing my eardrums. The funny thing is, it remains a mystery why I can’t remember the content of his vows until now. But I do remember the horrifying feeling of wanting to cower in a corner, plug my ears with my headphone, tap my foot like crazy while humming to a Drake song, and pretend not to give a shit about what was going on around me.

Hence, to the guy who will unfortunately end up pledging his wedding vows to me, please be considerate to our guests especially to my “baket,” who will be waiting to mock the hell out of you the moment you sputter the words “undying love.” You see, both of us have an irrational loathing of anything overly mushy and romantic. Apart from this, the last thing you want is to have videos of you uttering the most ridiculous, cringe-inducing vows in front of your squirming bride getting viral. Trust me, it is mortifying, not to mention uncool to watch after the wedding daze is over.

I, however, would probably blabber something queer like this one below. LOL

To the Person Whom I will be Bullying for the Rest of His Life

To have you as my slave for the rest of our lives together is very ill-fated. However, you made this life-altering decision the moment you decided to put a ring on my finger. I’ve warned you multiple times that you will regret spending the rest of your life with me, but you never listen because you’re stubborn, worse than an untamed horse. You have chosen to ignore my flaws and all. And this, you made your decision of picking yourself up off the floor every night you will sleep beside me. Let me tell you something disappointing, I am a selfish bitch. I like my own personal space whether on the couch, in the fridge, in the bathroom, in the drawers and especially on the bed. I’ll be crawling all over you like a disgusting worm whether you like it or not to the point of you wishing you had not beg me to wear that ring. I’ll be sleep chasing you in every four corners of our bed, and you’ll probably wake up sprawled on the floor the next day.

It’s probably best for both of us if we have our own blankets instead of sharing one as well. A random stranger told me once that marriage is about sharing and caring. Unfortunately, sharing blankets doesn’t apply to a narcissistic bitch like me. As you already know, I like to roll myself in a blanket like a burrito, and it would not make sense if I have to constantly pull your hair out in the middle of the night over a blanket. As much as I don’t want to give you a concussion, I might end up doing so especially if you are fiercely tugging my blanket away from my shivering body. It is also a sad truth that I get cold easily at night, and I unconsciously search for body heat. Don’t be alarmed when you feel something burning squirming beside you. That’s my feverish body at night. And no, I don’t have a fever. Do not call 911 screaming at them that your wife is having clonic seizures in the middle of the night either, as this is very unlikely to happen. One of the perks of marrying someone like me is that I’m healthy, and I don’t have any deadly disease that you need to be scared of. I am one hundred percent sure that you will eventually get used to my feverish body, like you always do with anything.

With Lots of Warnings,

Wifey

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