As I put my phone in my purse, my friend suddenly asked the question “Do you miss him?” I was dumbfounded for a second because I didn’t know how to respond. I was waiting for that piercing feeling in my chest to take over, but it did not happen. The pilot started announcing that we just landed on the tarmac of Vancouver, but I was still mulling over the answer to her question. I had experienced the notorious aftermath of painful goodbyes few times every time I went home in the past, and the gnawing feeling of missing someone as I attempted to strut my way to the airport without bawling my eyes out is not something to joke about. It is probably the fact that those goodbyes were always permanent, and staying connected with that same relationship was completely out of the question. Your case on the other hand was the opposite and is always has been.
You are different because I never feel the existence of goodbye between us. Yes, it’s cliché to say you have been with me all along from day one, but that is how things have turned out the moment we started hanging out. I bid my goodbye to the six weeks of blissful vacation, but you have been always there as I navigated the excruciating security checks of different international airports. As I continued to rant over and over again about the endless lineup, expensive airport food, and rude people I got to encounter, you listened with no judgement. Your constant reminder of not turning into “beastmode” kept me at bay from unleashing my bitchiness because I still need to have that “poise.” You were thoughtful. You were charming. You deviated from the rest. You have been consistent in doing so until now, and I’m thankful for that.
I have been always a firm believer of controlling or making your own fate. I never relied on letting the course of life takes over or believing the existence of probabilities and chances like you do. Being idle and watching things to occur on their own is never my forte. I recklessly make decisions like a Catapult and deal with the consequences later whether good or bad. This time however, I will take things slow and let them occur on their own. This time, I will try to believe in the power of fate, as it spins whatever it has stored for “YOU and ME” if there is such thing destined. As a final answer to my friend’s question, I do miss you, and I wish I could freeze the times we were together one last time. I sit here not knowing how to end this blog post but wishing I could turn back time. Giving you that one lasting hug as you swaggered your way out the restaurant might have mitigated the overwhelming wistful emotion I have at this moment. Nevertheless, entrusting the future to the deities of fate and time as we continue to navigate the journey of what we have right now is a choice I have just made. I hope everything pans out for the both of us. Till next time!