Life Goes On

             It’s almost one in the morning, and you’re under your crumpled sheets tossing and turning like the world is about to end. The lack of sleeping hormones in your body right now is giving your bed unbearable tantrums. You could consider its creaking sounds swearing at you for not having an ounce of pity. Lying on it without being gentle means it is bound to move in any direction while emitting those annoying creaking sounds enough to wake up the neighborhood. However, it’s an ancient bed not designed for sex according to your friend, so giving the compassion it deserves is a no brainer. Besides, it does the job of being always there when you’re about to lose your schizophrenic mind like right now.

            This is one of those nights when your mind becomes a separate entity from your body. Despite wanting to sleep, your mind decides to be selfish and start having its own battle of overthinking. Yes, the power of being engrossed in futile thoughts enough to beat a scientist’s mind. You become fixated with mundane thoughts of how going through life sometimes is such a herculean task. You become bombarded with thoughts of “WTF am I doing with my life?” until you end up getting pissed at yourself and raiding the fridge at one in the morning as a distraction.

            The cycle of waking up every day, going to work, surviving a 12 hour shift, and being robbed at the end of the month by your bills has become mundane nowadays. That you start craving for something exciting and new like the time when someone gave you giddiness and butterflies in your stomach. You wonder about the people you are closed with who have lost their love ones and who are grieving right now, the families you encounter at work who are being brave as they watched their sick loved ones recover, and your friends whom you haven’t seen for a while but are also trying to navigate “adulting” like you are.

          Of course, you also marvel and question yourself of when to meet society’s standards. You ponder on when to give in to the pressure from your parents and aunties who are more vocal than anyone else of wanting grandbabies like you can easily buy them in Forever21. You entertain those incessant thoughts of when to start being smart with your money and add the word “saving”  to your vocabulary, when to purge those travel bugs of yours, and when to buy your own place like a responsible grown-up. But then, you imagine what life would be like if you were somewhere travelling without worrying about the responsibilities attached to being an adult. Yes, the enticing potency of travelling which you can never have enough of like a heroine.

            Life can become quite taxing whether you like it or not. There are those “not so great” days when overthinking becomes your nemesis. When you ache for a change and excitement to break the monotony of life, to fill the void in your heart, and to redeem yourself from not meeting the abysmal expectations imposed on you by the people around you. That despite feeling like some days has no Fluff of summer clouds to look forward to, you learn to accept what life has stored for you. You rant. You spout profanities. You write to get through these dismal days.

            You learn to convince yourself that there are other things to look forward to (or not) like future sleepovers with your girlfriends, your next trip to the summery land of sand and beaches, the increasing numbers of wrinkles on your face which are starting to mock you, and those begrudging years you have left before hitting the half of sixty. These things might be big or small, positive or negative, but they still give you a reason to live. Life goes on as it should. That despite those moments of incessant mulling over worthless things, you still get the inspiration to live or write no matter how crappy it gets because life goes on indeed.

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You Will Get There.. Eventually

          It’s like swallowing Grit when you don’t want to lose something but it’s already heading to an end. You try to stop that force with all your might but you’re slowly losing control. You try to hold on to it, but it is deliberately slipping away from your fingertips. It’s that feeling of wanting to do everything, yet you can’t because you don’t have a choice left. You don’t have the strength to continue fighting and wanting something you can never completely own. It’s the feeling of wanting to give up, but that flickering hope still tease you until the very end. It’s that lingering hope that maybe things will change, not right now but it will. Eventually..

When The Heart Begs

As she struggled to unshackle herself

from the spell of his deceitful eyes,

she bowed her heavy head

and silently prayed to all the deities.

Her mind fazed while her heart howled in desperation,

begging the unknown for some answers.

Why was it HIM when there was someone better.

Someone who would love her more than

the leftovers he could only afford to give her.

As she contained the bubbling emotions

threatening to give her vulnerability away,

the treacherous tears started falling.

Her heart continued to scream

what she mostly desired,

to be with him until the end

despite his heart locking itself

in a Distant tower she could never conquer.