When The Heart Begs

As she struggled to unshackle herself

from the spell of his deceitful eyes,

she bowed her heavy head

and silently prayed to all the deities.

Her mind fazed while her heart howled in desperation,

begging the unknown for some answers.

Why was it HIM when there was someone better.

Someone who would love her more than

the leftovers he could only afford to give her.

As she contained the bubbling emotions

threatening to give her vulnerability away,

the treacherous tears started falling.

Her heart continued to scream

what she mostly desired,

to be with him until the end

despite his heart locking itself

in a Distant tower she could never conquer.

I Miss You

I miss you like how the clouds miss the rain

I miss you like how the parched earth needs water to sustain life

I miss you like how flowers need sunshine to live

I miss you like how music notes are nothing without the melodies

I miss you like how fireworks need fire to Detonate and expose its beauty

I miss you like how a pen is useless without a paper

I miss you like how confessions are meaningless without emotions

I miss you like crazy, and that’s every minute of every day

And Then There Was You

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          As I put my phone in my purse, my friend suddenly asked the question “Do you miss him?” I was dumbfounded for a second because I didn’t know how to respond. I was waiting for that piercing feeling in my chest to take over, but it did not happen. The pilot started announcing that we just landed on the tarmac of Vancouver, but I was still mulling over the answer to her question. I had experienced the notorious aftermath of painful goodbyes few times every time I went home in the past, and the gnawing feeling of missing someone as I attempted to strut my way to the airport without bawling my eyes out is not something to joke about. It is probably the fact that those goodbyes were always permanent, and staying connected with that same relationship was completely out of the question. Your case on the other hand was the opposite and is always has been.

          You are different because I never feel the existence of goodbye between us. Yes, it’s cliché to say you have been with me all along from day one, but that is how things have turned out the moment we started hanging out. I bid my goodbye to the six weeks of blissful vacation, but you have been always there as I navigated the excruciating security checks of different international airports. As I continued to rant over and over again about the endless lineup, expensive airport food, and rude people I got to encounter, you listened with no judgement. Your constant reminder of not turning into “beastmode” kept me at bay from unleashing my bitchiness because I still need to have that “poise.” You were thoughtful. You were charming. You deviated from the rest. You have been consistent in doing so until now, and I’m thankful for that.

          I have been always a firm believer of controlling or making your own fate. I never relied on letting the course of life takes over or believing the existence of probabilities and chances like you do. Being idle and watching things to occur on their own is never my forte. I recklessly make decisions like a Catapult and deal with the consequences later whether good or bad. This time however, I will take things slow and let them occur on their own. This time, I will try to believe in the power of fate, as it spins whatever it has stored for “YOU and ME” if there is such thing destined. As a final answer to my friend’s question, I do miss you, and I wish I could freeze the times we were together one last time. I sit here not knowing how to end this blog post but wishing I could turn back time. Giving you that one lasting hug as you swaggered your way out the restaurant might have mitigated the overwhelming wistful emotion I have at this moment. Nevertheless, entrusting the future to the deities of fate and time as we continue to navigate the journey of what we have right now is a choice I have just made. I hope everything pans out for the both of us. Till next time!

Hey YOU!

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Hey YOU!

Yes, you with cute dimples hollower than craters combined.

You who has a nice voice like a radio DJ at night

You who is brainy and pocket-size but agile

You who bikes far distances and insists “biking is life”

You who likes Linkin Park and poses like a rock star

Yes, you who sometimes gives me Qualm due to fluttering butterflies inside

You who makes my heart thump with your winks and smiles

You who makes me giggle like a child

You who calls me darling with gallant and warmth

You who stares at me with those mesmerizing eyes

Yes YOU, whom I have a crush on, and I hope that’s alright

Mount Pulag, The Playground of the Gods

             Hiking Mount Pulag is one of the things bolded and capitalized on my bucket list. As an avid hiker, the strong urge to conquer Mount Pulag had been mounting as long as I could remember until it finally happened few days ago. I was initially worried about not being able to finish the hike, as I haven’t been physically active as much as I wanted. The long hours working in the hospital makes me want to hibernate forever on the days I’m off. It wasn’t helping either that one of my best friends had been feeding me with this irrational fear of possibly having a heart attack in the middle of the trek due to lack of exercise and training. Nevertheless, I survived the hike with flying colours despite my aching knee and the drizzly, freezing weather.

                  Mount Pulag is considered as the highest peak in Luzon while third in the Philippines. It stands 2922 meters above sea level thus explains the bird’s- eye view of

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Sea of Clouds

some parts of Benguet, Ifugao and Nueva Vizcaya if you are at the peak of the mountain. It has three trails you can choose from; Ambangeg, Akiki, Tawangan and Ambaguio trails. The Ambangeg trail which we did is the easiest hike recommended for beginners and for people who do not have the time to train. It’s mostly flat terrains and several not “so want to kill myself” elevations. It can take about 4 hours going up to the summit and another 4 hours going down to the ranger station which is the starting point depending on how fast you are. Like any other trails, having a guide when hiking Mount Pulag is mandatory. Registration can be paid in the DENR station while camping fee can be given to your guide or at the ranger station.

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The view from our campsite

           Mount Pulag shelters various plant and mammal species, rats being one of them. I came across a huge rat while trekking, and I almost had a seizure thinking it was a snake. Additionally, the temperature is not something to joke about since it can drop to a freezing point, so covering yourselves with jackets, scarves, bonnets and gloves is necessary if you don’t want your butt freezing at night or while at the summit. As what Miss “Chastity” said during the 45-minute orientation, the freezing temperature is not enough reason to compromise your safety and chastity. Having a good waterproof of everything (tents, shoes, bags and ect.) is also vital since it usually rains in the area. It was windy and pouring rain while we were in the ranger station that some of the people I was with had to move their tents inside the man-made shelter in our campsite. Whereas the others had to tolerate being caved in their soaked tents while being wrapped with garbage bags, me and my friend only had to worry about being swept away by the strong wind outside.

              The mesmerizing mountains shrouded with grass, the mossy forests covered with trees, and the different types of spectacular flora and fauna found in the mountains which I came across with made the experience surreal. Not only this, as I continued to watch the fiery sun rising on the horizon while I stood at the summit, I was paralyzed with its glorious, overpowering beauty. That the lack of sleep, aching feet, freezing weather, and exhaustion were forgotten in an instant. And that despite only seeing a small fraction of the sea of clouds which Mount Pulag is known for, the magnificent sun beaming proudly with its orange colour while peeking through the clouds filled me with raw awe and overwhelming emotions. As I continued to bask in its endless beauty, it made me realize how lucky I was to be standing there witnessing such spectacle once in my lifetime (or maybe more in the future). It indeed lives up to its famous name the “playground of the gods.”

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The Pulag Team

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While the rest of our group slept, we took pictures.  🙂

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Orientation Site

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First Day

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The Ultimate Selfie

A response to The Daily Post’s Photo Challenge:Earth

Another Year of Awesomeness

img_4356          Trying to get my brain cells to construct words for a decent blog post right now is such a daunting task when I’d rather crawl under the covers and binge-watch anime. But because it has been customary for me to rant about “getting a year older” on this particular day of December, pardon the un-finesse and bewildering tirade about the complexities attach to “adulting” which you are about to read. You are more than welcome to either click the “X” button on the right corner of your screen or continue to deduce the logic behind the strings of words I am trying to formulate. Even yours truly is having trouble turning the content of this post into something inspirational, comprehensive and worth reading.

           Being a few years closer to hitting the three-zero zone is becoming dreadful especially if you haven’t put a single check mark beside those “things to do before I turn thirty” on your bucket list. A friend of mine asked about my age yesterday, and I unconsciously made the mistake of making myself one year older than my actual age. By the time we went on our separate ways, I realized that something was off about the information I gave him. I mentally did the Math, and I realized that I just made myself a year older, albeit unknowingly. I like to delude myself right now that barely surviving nine, grueling shifts with no decent day off in between sets was the culprit, thus, explained my mentally confused self on that particular day. However, the fact is that I stopped counting the years after I hit twenty-five. Nobody wants to be constantly reminded about getting old after all.

          The impact of becoming older and how it changes a person’s personality and perspectives throughout the years is undeniable. They say our own experiences in life can give us the confidence and courage to take risks. This is probably true. Confessing to someone and being rejected with subtlety by the words “it’s cool” did not suck the life out of me. In fact, it made me learn something about myself and the things I am capable of if I like someone. Do I regret doing it? Not really. I shrug my shoulders with disinterest nowadays because I did not lose an arm or a leg from breaking a societal norm. This experience at least gave me something to tell to people when they say my standards are “too high” or that I am “too picky” when it comes to dating. The world is not going to end if someone chips away your pride or gives your heart few splinters to live with. Behind those failures and rejections are invaluable lessons which definitely become handy if new opportunities come along the way.

         img_4357 Getting older involves different formulas of maturity and underlying responsibilities whether you like it or not. Your world no longer revolves around partying until dawn, getting wasted in the club, thinking about what clothes to wear the next day and stressing about your unrequited crushes. Having a decent career, paying debts and bills, gaining unwanted lbs here and there, surviving relationships and heartbreak, having babies and raising a family of your own, and enduring unsolicited criticisms for being single from the people around you become the “adulting” norms (Ayeh!). That behind these colossal changes and responsibilities is the courage to continue living with fervour. You learn to live with the audacity of not caring about what others think of you. At the end of the day, handling life with vigor and Anticipation and surviving these adversaries is what matters in this so-called adult life.

It’s OK Because You Made It

img_4293That you stayed awake all night tossing and turning in your bed because of a panel interview the next day. That your phone had run out of battery from checking your emails every five minutes whether you got the job or not. And once you landed not just one but two jobs, you were over the moon because you can now painstakingly start paying your student loan whether you like it or not. Yet, you almost regretted accepting the positions because you now had to stay afloat juggling orientations here and there while the urgency of taking the NCLEX was looming over your head. Yes, the notorious NCLEX which almost killed you because you knew from every single neuron in your brain that taking it right away was a suicide. You declined every single invitation from your friends because your brain cells would be relentlessly hammered with the thought of NCLEX while they blabbered about their day. You became the party pooper, albeit unintentionally. You lost your precious sleep every single night because of this damn NCLEX which unknowingly had taken over your sanity. You eventually got so sick and tired of everything that you decided to end the agony. That it no longer mattered if you were going to pass or not. You were just tired torturing yourself over this ridiculous exam. You crammed and crammed more until the day you finally showed up in the testing center with 3 hours of sleep. img_4299Your palms were sweaty, and those damn butterflies in your stomach weren’t stopping from making you sick to your stomach. They said finishing at 75 questions was a positive thing, but you were still unable to abandon the thought of possibly failing the exam. Yes,  the additional stress for another 24 hours waiting for the email which could determine if you were able to continue showing up at work with confidence or not became unbearable. Fortunately, you finally got your result, and you passed! You should feel like a nurse now, but no! You showed up on your first day feeling like you haven’t done nursing for the past three years. You kept missing or blowing up veins that you felt like giving up IV insertion for good. You felt shitty poking your patients, and lay on your bed at night with a heavy heart. But again, it’s OK because you made it this far.

img_4301To say that nursing is hard is an understatement because it is definitely more than that. To say that the battle is over once you no longer have to deal with exams and integrations is a lie. To say that the stress has ended because you finished your last shift of preceptorship with flying colors is an exaggeration. The stress and anxiety keep rolling until you just learn to cope and live with them. This is the reality after you step out the door of nursing school. You learn to practice your resilience, accept your flaws and continue growing as a person without the safety net of your instructors. This is how you slowly become indispensable, super nurses as you pursue your journey in nursing on your own. It might not be a walk in the park, but it will definitely get better because you made it this far. You are standing beside your friends who are or will be going through the same thing as you. You might be new graduates now, but you have become nurses for a reason.  People need you to continue the Magic and beauty of nursing. It is OK to be stressed; it will eventually get better because you all made it until the end. Gen’ 005, you will all thrive!

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